As a trauma and addictions therapist working in the field for over 20 years, I have worked with literally thousands of family members who are frustrated, hurt, and bewildered by their loved one’s substance abuse issues.
Finding out someone you love has a problem with mind changing chemicals is often ranked up there as one of the worst days of our lives. Although we have many different reactions, many of us remember the details of this event just like hearing the news of any other traumatic event. We replay the movie of it all in our mind and often feel every feeling imaginable throughout the process. We may even go through some or all of the stages of grief—we feel disbelief, hope it isn’t the case, and wish we could change it. We feel anger, sadness, and finally come to terms with the issue—not necessarily in that order! Denial, Bargaining, Anger, Depression and finally Acceptance are our lot.
Sharing these inner reactions can be rewarding and healing from the standpoint of allowing us to get acknowledgement and sometimes clarity from other people who are bravely walking the path with us. One of the most important first steps when working with a parent is to help work through these initial reactions and any ongoing stress from having lived with or interacted with an addict/substance user in the cusp of their addictive behaviors. It can be terrifying and erode your sense of “direction”.
Initially, most family members need a place to share their concerns, fears, and hurt. No two stories are exactly alike, but often, relating to other people makes us realize that at least we are not alone.
Looking at our internal dialogue, reactions, and projections on the matter can furthermore be fundamental in the process.
Two of the most common reactions that I see become obstacles to the recovery process are personal story comparisons and shame/guilt. I have spent many long hours working with families on their disbelief surrounding their child’s use of drugs or alcohol. Many times they themselves had a phase or addiction that they were able to combat with a particular resource, process, or “cold turkey” approach. This is totally understandable. One of the first things most people do when they hear concerning news about a loved one is think about our own experience with similar problems and try to solve their adolescent’s problem using a solution from the past. We lovingly project and formulate a solution upon our kids. Unfortunately, everyone’s unique history, genetic code, and chemistry, coupled with how much more potent drugs and routes of administration are vs those that were used years ago, we may be off in our estimation of exactly how someone can or should follow another person’s path. Furthermore, some family members and loved ones feel they overcame issues without help or treatment. This sends an accidentally confusing message to a person where treatment is being considered. It may make one wonder if they should not ask for help but try instead to gather a cold turkey moment out of thin air and sheer “willpower”. For many people with addictions, they may not be able to stop without assistance—even with considerable mental strength. Like someone with diabetes, one person may be able to control it with diet and exercise and another with similar genes may need a completely different treatment plan. I often work immediately with family members to step out of themselves and see the person in front of them as unique—leaving aside their own history as very different event. For someone exploring treatment options, it can be a deterrent to suggest they should do as their family member did. This may result in someone not seeking as much help, or the right kind, for themselves.
Now on to shame and guilt. This type of emotional reaction wreaks more havoc than anything. While it is a common experience to immediately pull into yourself and wonder what you have done wrong, it is rare that anyone could ever say it is a loved ones “fault” that a substance use issue occurred. While there are plenty of things to explore in terms of how to best support your child’s recovery and make positive changes for their benefit, it becomes a convoluted mess when guilt and shame are involved. We frequently enable, miss opportunities for strong boundaries, and accidentally make excuses thinking erroneously that we should shoulder more than our fair share of the blame.
While there are many reactions, these two are common ones I see that require some work often times with a qualified counselor, a parent support group, or educational seminars.
Consider the common Al-Anon motto, “we didn’t cause it, we can’t control it, and we can’t cure it.” This motto brings these reactions to light. This simple saying brings many a weary family member back to center. Remember that despite all the mental effort, the work you can do to be helpful is probably found in these truths, loving called the “Three Cs of Al-Anon.” Family members and support persons can take this to heart and find a group, counselor, or supportive ear and dig a little deeper into our own reactions which may prevent us from seeing the problem in someone else with clarity. In closing, while it can be a harrowing and powerless feeling to begin this journey as a supportive parent, we find that a good starting place is a journey that starts right within us.
Kim Miller is a LCSW, LISAC, EMDR, Advanced Level Somatic Experiencing, Meadows trained clinician, Certified Life/Executive Coach in private practice.